Managing the Emotions of Loss: Death, Broken Friendships & Bad Breakups

You are probably looking at the title and wondering what these three things have in common. Over the course of our lives we will unfortunately have to deal with all three of these unavoidable situations; but it’s how we come out of them that show our strength and the power of God. These types of life events can hurt you to your soul and I can tell you that the recovery will not happen overnight, but what I know to be true is that, GOD never puts more on us than we can handle. He knows our limits and right when we get to that breaking point, He shows us how strong we are. So don’t give up.

DEATH:

Death is unavoidable. It’s one of the hardest things we will ever have to encounter in our lives. No one wants to think about it and understandably so. Everyone grieves differently, so when dealing with others please be considerate of their process of healing. When others take into consideration that no one healing process is the same as another, it helps in the grieving process of others. The rule of thumb is to always try and find the positive in EVERY situation. This is why families have stated referring to funerals as the celebration of life, because that is what brings us joy. Knowing that the person is in a better place, because Lord knows this world is becoming worse and worse by the day. When my aunt died last year, it hurt me to my soul. I still have times when I just cry thinking about her. She was the most loving, giving person in the universe. The thing that turns my tears of sadness into tears of joy is that I know that she loved the Lord and that I can picture her singing in His choir praising Him just like she did here on earth, and the best part is that she is no longer suffering in pain. Finding peace with the loss of a loved one may never fully come, but the goal is to make each day a little easier. Don’t let anyone tell you, that your grieving should be over after a certain period of time. Take as long as you need, but remember that the person you are grieving doesn’t want you to be sad or stop living your life because they are gone; they want you to live YOUR life to fullest in their memory.

BROKEN FRIENDSHIPS:

I consider myself to be a darn good friend. There is almost nothing I wouldn’t do for my friends. My loyalty is both a blessing and a curse. When you give your genuine love and dedication to those you value all the time, they sometimes start to take you for granted. It happens in relationships, we are all guilty of it. Most of the times, when situations like this occur, they work themselves out; but then there are other times when they don’t. When this happens, there are a series of events that take place.

1. You start to replay in your mind the situations leading up to the point where the friendship took a turn. You play over and over in your head what your role in the situation was and what you could have done differently to prevent this from happening in the first place. But in the same sense, you also look at the other parties involved and evaluate their actions as well. Stop it! You cannot control anyone’s actions but your own, so own up to them and be ready, willing and mature enough to apologize for them (even if the other party isn’t ready to apologize for their actions).

2. You finally get out of your feelings and you’re ready to talk it out. That’s what friends do right? Please note that the time that passes between the altercation and your sit-down is crucial. It can make or break a friendship. Just know that the longer you take to talk it out the more likely your friendship will never be the same. When you finally get ready to talk about what took place, it’s important to only speak about what happened and apologize if necessary for your part and offer solutions on how to move past it. (It’s important to also remember that some people just can’t move on or not ready to move on; that’s ok everyone needs their own time to heal, don’t get mad or feel guilty about their process).

3. You’ve talked about it, now what? Well, your friendship will either go back to being the same as it was before the incident, or it won’t. If it does, fantastic, if it doesn’t how do you cope? If you can honestly answer yes to these questions, then it’s out of your hands and only GOD can fix it from there. A) Did you own up to your part in the situation and were you genuine in your apology? B) Did you let the other party know exactly how you feel? C) Have you forgiven them and ready to move forward? D) Did you forgive yourself?

If you did all of this things and atmosphere still feels weird, its ok…The healing process takes time, but you have to also come to the realization that your friendship may never be the same and that maybe that person was only there for a season. That is not always a bad thing, hurtful; yes, but not bad. God sends us certain people at all stages of our lives to guide us and make us stronger, if we lose some of those people along our journey that’s GOD’s will , not ours and we have to find peace in knowing that He has a reason for everything that happens in our lives. Again, we have to find the positive in every situation no matter how much it hurts.

BAD BREAK-UPS:

From our adolescent years to our adult life, break-ups are unavoidable. At some point in our lives we will lose a person who we were in love with or thought we were in love with. People say “Love is blind”; that’s a bunch of crap….we choose to see what we want to see in people, and love ain’t got nothing to do with it…Ask Tina aka Anna Mae. But in all seriousness, I am a firm believer that if we open our eyes God always shows us signs. I don’t care what anyone says, when things are not right in a relationship, there a signs. Some signs are not as clear and some are as bright as the sun! A break-up is only as bad as you make it (unless you dealing with a psycho…that crazy was cute in the beginning…not now). Saving yourself from heartache is sometimes unavoidable, but in 95% of cases you are in control of how you allow others to treat your heart.

Managing your emotions during a breakup can lead to a faster healing. In no way will these things be easy to do, but just like with anything else in life, it takes determination and discipline. Let me break it down for you:

1. Stop making yourself so available. After a breakup you shouldn’t allow yourself to be so accessible. Whether it was a mutual break-up or one-sided break-up, ya’ll aint together so if that person calls you, messages you or DM you, I say don’t answer it, but if you do, don’t be so quick to answer. Let that message marinate. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Most times the person is only contacting you to see if they still have access to you even after they have broken your heart. Don’t give them that kind of power.

2. Focus on healing yourself. My mama always told me; don’t ever let anyone see you looking down after a break-up. You could feel like you are dying on the inside, but never let them see it. If you truly cared for a person you will not stop caring automatically, it takes time. This is the point where you reevaluate your relationship with that person to see if it’s even worth your energy to be sad or hurt for too long. More often than not, the break up is a blessing in disguise. Like I said earlier, the signs were always there.

3. Stop looking at their social media pages. During this time of self-reflection and evaluation, it doesn’t help to keep looking at what the other person is doing. 9 times out of 10 you may come across something that hurts you even more (everyone knows people make up stuff on social media), and exposing yourself to this will start the recovery process all over again. Who wants to continue to put salt in their own wounds? I know what you are saying, it’s easier said than done, that’s why it’s soooo important to take steps to try to avoid coming across anything that will ignite your emotions in a negative way. #positivevibesonly You might have to take a social media break, or unfollow that person all together. Whatever works for you, to help your healing process, do it!

4. Learn from the breakup. I will keep saying this until the cows come home (my daddy says this LOL), GOD NEVER PUTS MORE ON US THAN WE CAN HANDLE. During times of heartache we find out a lot about ourselves. Use this experience to realize your worth, set clear standards for what you will and will not tolerate in the future, and to become a better you. Singing “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” in my Kelly Clarkson voice, LOL is soooo true! After the initial reaction to a break-up like, anger, bitterness and heartache are gone, find the positive in the situation and come out the other side a new and improved you.

5. Remember that God has a plan. If this person is meant to be in your life, there is nothing that will stop it. Trust and believe in GOD’s timing…Ya’ll know my favorite verse Romans 8:28. It applies to our lives every day!

In the end, losing a loved one whether it’s a family member, a close friend or a companion hurts, but it’s how we handle our emotions in these situations that make us better and stronger people! So go out there and be the best you, you can be! To quote one of my favorite movies “The Help”…say it with me… “You is smart, You is kind, You is important”! (I know you smiling) But it’s true! You just have to believe it! Now get out there and…

Live BLOUNT-ly