That Time I Felt Like Dying...

It was late 2009, I was unemployed, on the verge of losing my house, my car and my mind. I had failed my family! I couldn’t provide for them the way I was used to. I was in a place of darkness. I had thoughts that maybe if I wasn’t around, I wouldn’t be a burden to my husband (one less mouth to feed, on less car insurance payment). "SNAP out of it Cindy", I kept telling myself over and over again. T and Jackie ain’t raise no punk, you are stronger than this. Besides if you die, you are going straight to hell. Right???; because that is what I was taught as a child.

Let me say this, I was never close to actually taking my own life, but I would be lying if I said I didn’t think about how the world would be without me. Who was going to get my husband to events on time? Who was going to fill out all the paperwork the kids bring home from school? Who was going to talk to my mom and dad each morning before work? Who was going to make silly jokes with my brother? Who was going to be there when my friends called to vent about life? Here I was being everything for everybody and still feeling like a complete failure. I felt hopeless and alone. I thought I was crazy having these feelings of depression. I have a loving husband, wonderful kids, and supportive parents. Girl what are you down for? To this day, I don’t have an answer for that. It was just how I was feeling at the time. I wanted to shake it, but I just couldn’t; and I knew once I did, I never wanted to feel that way again.

One day I was home alone watching TV, balled up on the couch crying my eyes out. It was one of them ugly cries too chile (and I would need a boat load of botox to get those wrinkles out)…I felt like the tears would never stop flowing, but they had to before I left to pick up the kids from school. I don’t even know where it came from but all of a sudden I hear the voice of Taraji P. Henson singing “ohhhh Lord, I want you to help meeeee. I said ohhhh Lord, I want you to help meeeee. Help me on my journey, oh help me on my way yeah. Oh Lord I want you to help meeee.” I immediately started belting out the song right along with her. I don’t think I have ever sung that loud and with so much determination to make God hear my voice. Today, I know He heard me, because I am here strong enough to share this with you.

As a Black woman we are supposed to be strong all the time, but we have weak moments most people never know about. This was definitely one for me. I have to thank God that I have a strong supportive family that don’t even realize that they are my therapy. A lot of people don’t have that. I...am...truly...blessed!

With the holidays approaching I know that many people are suffering in silence, being “strong” for those around them. I’m here to say don’t keep it bottled in, talk to someone, let it out. One of my really good friends told me that talking to someone saved their life. I am thankful that my friend got help. As human beings we should just be nice to one another; because that saying “everyone you meet is fighting their own battle” is so true. You just never know how a smile can change someone’s life. It just might be the thing that stops them from hurting themselves because you noticed them. I want to thank you all for supporting my blog for last 2 years. I can’t believe it’s been that long.

After reading this, I challenge each person to call and check on someone you love. Tell them you are thinking of them. It may change their life and yours. Remember God put us on this earth for a reason, so make sure you live your life…

BLOUNT-ly